It Eats Away at You:

Depression. More often than not these days people will claim to have it. And maybe they do. But sometimes I have to wonder if they know what its like to wake up each day feeling like you are standing in three feet of mud, insanely sad enough not even to make breakfast or get out of bed. You are sad, with no real reason why, to the point where you just sit and stare at nothing, wanting to do something, but your body won't function and its all you can do just to sit there. Often, you go back to bed to wait til the doing nothing time is over. Then when you get up, maybe something will have changed? You cry alot. You feel alone nearly constantly even when people are around. People tell you they are there for you but it only irritates you more because you feel like they don't really get it. Sometimes, you don't want anyone there for you. You want to be left alone. You constantly feel nervous or frightened about something, or that you are doing something wrong. You rarely smile. You know something is wrong with that and it makes it worse because you have so many things to smile about. You long for the way you used to be. You remember what you felt like before. You want that again.

But you feel empty. You feel nothing emotionally but sadness and pain. Even if you want to feel happy. You have shut down. People you love dearly pass on - you don't shed a tear. Instead you go on and its almost like if you don't have to think of it or look at it, it won't hurt. Eventually you start handling everything that way; avoiding with everything possible the things that make you uncomfortable or make you hurt. You stay inside. You don't go out. Friends want to do stuff and you might make excuses not to. You feel comfortable in your world. A week passes and you hardly notice. Then a month. Then a year and another and another. You wonder where the time goes. You've been doing this for years...

You get desperate. You tell people you think you need help. They say "ok honey, if you think so," and the matter drops. No help comes. No one thinks anything is really wrong with you. You want to love. You want to be happy. But you don't know how. You start thinking you are trying to hard. That you shouldn't try so hard. And so it goes, again and again and again.

This is a bit of what depression for me is. I have passed nearly eight years of my life like this. The good thing is, I am starting to recognize it, and am making myself smile at little victories such as coming up with a successful storyline, being able to talk to a friend, and or actually getting out and do things even when everything inside me is revolting against doing so. Then when I do them, I find out they are fun -- and that I am glad I went. It isn't easy, 98 percent of the time, I still fail. But it is an uphill battle after all. I've heard it said that God doesn't give us stuff we can't handle. I think the truth of that is -- that he doesn't give us stuff we can't handle without Him.

Have a wonderful night everyone. Take care.