One More Time in 2012

2012.

What a year.

Honestly, not the best year.  So many changes.  Many loved ones lost.  But honestly?  A blessed year.  We received a precious baby girl in our family this year.  We learned alot about love. No, really, we learned alot about love.  I learned that ...as a body fails, spirit and strength grows ever stronger.  And not just for the survivors, for the person passing to another life as well.  I always thought I respected my elders.  I always did, but this past year, I really learned what the tone of that truly meant.  It doesn't mean yes ma'am or sir.  It doesn't mean that at all.  It means, to me, that even if someone is old or disabled or young or whatever -- they are feeling.  They are caring, deeply, beyond words.  They are loving and hurting and worth every second you can give.  They are worth that phone call.  They are worth that drive across town. 

I also learned alot about myself this year.  I want to say I struggled to change things about myself.  That was my goal.  Not a resolution, but a goal that carries until it is complete even if it is past the end of the year.  But I know, looking back at the last eight months (it wasn't set last New Year) that there are times that I could have and need to put more into obtaining that goal.

In all honesty, this has been up there on the list of 'worst years of my life' but it was also a very teaching and heartfelt year.  And that, my friends, is what I plan to take away from it, carry with me, and live and grow on.

Happiest of New Years to you and your families and friends,
From Me, and Mine,

Debrah.
 

Merry Christmas

For the Children...

Unique Date Today

Check out the date: 12.12.12.

This is a date that is unique for a couple reasons.  The triple twelves in a row, and also that it is the last time a tripled date such as 02.02.02 or 09.09.09 or 12.12.12 will happen until the start of the next century - 01.01.2101.

Pretty cool huh?  Unique date. Thought I'd mark it here. 

Have a good night everyone!

Thankful..

Thankful today, for my family, for my friends near and far.  Thankful that there is food in the refrigerator.  Thankful that my doors have locks.  Thankful for safety, security and love.  Thankful that knowing no matter how much I mess up, God loves me still, my family loves me still, my friends love me still.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone.
--Debrah.  

ROMNEY:

Respectfully, President Obama had his chance.  To those who say he's still cleaning up the Bush era - get over it.  He's had four years.  If you do the math, he's only spent more money and amplified an already bad situation.

Where did the change go?  What did he do with those four years???

What?

Oh yeah, Obamacare.  That's it.  That's his legacy to the United States.  And not a very good one.  Over half the country didn't want Obamacare, that being the case, if he is there to do what WE want, instead of what HE wants, he should have dropped the issue long ago.  It passed the supreme court as a Tax, when Obama said he wasn't going to raise taxes.  After it passed as a tax president Obama said that it wasn't a tax.  Well, if it isn't a tax, then it's illegal. 

Get rid of it.

It uses taxpayer dollars for abortions.  It forces low income families to buy health insurance or pay a 'penalty'.  Tell me, if they can't (myself included) afford to buy health insurance how can they afford that penalty??  Yes, it provides healthcare to everyone, but only to an extent.  Meaning if healthcare doesn't cover it and you can't pay for it --- too bad.  And by the way, in my opinion the president should have fought harder against it being called "Obama-care."  I know he did speak up about that but in my opinion did not put too much effort in.

A bit blunt, yes.  I know.  But I am tired of all the people whom try to force their opinions on me that it is a good thing.  If you want to believe its a good thing, fine.  That's okay. I am not here to force my opinions on you.  I am just detailing why it is I do not like it nor agree with it, nor will I ever agree with it.  This is the United States of America.  The land of the free.  The day that bill passed the Supreme Court, was a day we lost one of those freedoms: our basic right to choose.  As in, choose if we have health care or not.  So I am still protesting.  Because I am not a sheep that follows.  I am not indifferent enough to let it just slide because - 'it's just one little thing you have to pay for', or, 'other countries are like this' Because we are not other countries (no disrespect, they are good countries too).  We are the USA.  If we don't protest it - who will?

Anyway, that is all he's done that's notable.  Bin Laden?? Many forget it was the Bush era that started that.  This current president spent so much time forcing that health care bill that nothing else really changed.  We are in a worse financial position than we were four years ago. And we have lost even more respect around the world.


And so, off my 'stump'.

I vote for and support Romney for President.  And should Obama be re-elected, then at least it is documented here that, like with the last election.  I cannot and did not vote for him.  That be said I have, and always will have, total respect for the offfice of the President of the United States.

--Me (Registered Democrat)

Please Don't Just Pass Them By..

Today is Orphan Sunday...

I've posted this video on my other blog 3 times over the years.  And I will post it again here.  It is worth it.  Please watch it.

I've blogged before about how orphans are tied up, how they are so stiff they can't move, how they are starving.  Here is just a small glimpse of that.  And it isn't just the country featured in this video.  Many (not all) places are like this:

Hi everyone, the little girl Kareen has a family and is home.  But there are so many others who do not.  Please, I know we can't all adopt.  I can't adopt.  But we can all do something.  Visit these websites.  Pick a child, scream at the top of your lungs all over your social media for that child or for any or all of these kids.  Pass the websites on.  Alot of people just don't know this happens.  Pray for them if you pray.  Adopt if you can. 

Realistically, I know alot of people will come to this blog and leave without clicking the links at the bottom of this post.  Alot of them may leave without watching the videos.  But please look.  Please click.  It only takes a few minutes of time - that may very well change the world for someone else.

Thank you for reading here today, Orphan Sunday.
Take care.

reeces rainbow
project hopeful
adoptuskids
rainbow kids
eli project

Happy Birthday Buddy

...we miss you.

Do Good Anyway

 I've posted this on my other blog, but it's been a while.  I am thinking though, it is time for a reminder for me.  Time to post it here.  
---------------------------

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

          --Mother Teresa.

The day that changed the course of our history.  I was at work when it came over the radio...
On this day it didn't matter your political views, your income or race.  The people of the United States of America STOOD AS ONE.  Together.  As one...

I wish we could at all times.

In memory of the lives lost.  With love and respect to those whom lost loved ones.

We never will forget.

Blogging on the World Wide Web

Isn't it funny how we sit at these blogs and pour our hearts out to strangers whom we don't even know whom live on the other side of the world.  On blogs like these, we, myself included, post our personal thoughts, feelings and beliefs with people far and wide - with people everywhere.  The idea of a blog from my perspective is something of a diary.  But instead of it being something no one is supposed to read.  It is an open book for anyone whom might simply stumble across it?  And yet, there is something in doing so, that allows us to be heard.

I think they are places for us to document things as well.  Events in our life we want to set a bookmark on, get feedback from, sympathy, a virtual hug?  I think they are places we turn to for encouragement.  I think they are places we go so we don't feel alone.

I think they can be construed.  I think they can be misused.  I think some people look at a blog and then for their own amusement use it to make someone else hurt.  I think they can be used to one up each other.  Or used by someone whom thinks they know more than the author does and that thier way is better.

For example, on my adoption blog I advocate for homes for kids whom need them.  As the posts often concern children whom live overseas - I am often 'reminded' that kids here in the USA need homes too.

In those cases it is often hard for me to not point out that the commenter's ignorance is showing: because if they spent any time at all on my blog other than to troll it, they would find out that I advocate for kids everywhere, overseas in orphanages and for kids right here in the USA foster system as well.

And that is just one example.  People having to 'one up' each other is everywhere.  And often, people whom feel the need to do that, are wrong. 

Just a few thoughts tonight about blogging.  Will be back soon with other stuff.

Take care everyone. 

August

Was a difficult month.

Has come and gone with hardly me knowing it.

Was a two year anniversary for a two separate big changes in my life.

Next year, instead of two separate anniversaries there will be three.

Next August will get here before any of us knows it.

And right now, there are even more troubles ahead...

...more troubles and five days to sort them in.

I won't face them alone. But ultimately can't just expect for them to be done for me.

Then perhaps a good September.

Just a note about August here, with hopes for a good September ahead.

Take care, everyone, out there.

Today ...08.22.2012

Pray for my Grandmother...

...please.  Everyone who reads this, if you pray, please...  of all the things I've asked on this blog this is the most important.  She has cancer in stage 4... she will be in Heaven any moment.  Pray for my parents.  Please.  And pass this on to any prayer warriors you may know...


--Debrah.

Ever Feel Like You're Yelling....

...and no one is listening?  Ever feel like you are yelling and yelling and begging and pleading and no one hears you, or they look the other way, or what you are yelling about doesn't interest them, that they are doing is more important, or they don't even care?

Do you? Even if its something very important to you and people whom claim you are important to them know it's important to you does it still seem like they don't hear or care?  And don't tell me, what is important to you isn't important to everyone.  I'm not asking for it to be important to everyone.  Just to people whom are close, family and friends.  Because if people care about you, if you are important to them -- things you care about should be important to them too.

Ever feel like you are yelling and no one is listening?  Ever see other people get listened to all the time, yet feel that you are consistently skipped over?  Ever see self-important people get upset if they don't get the attention they seek from others and then wonder why people keep giving them that attention?  Do you?

Do you ever beg for just two minutes of someone's time, just to feel your pleading fall on empty ears?  Ever do what others ask, never to have that favor returned?

Do you ever feel skipped over?  Unimportant? Brushed-aside?  In the way? Ignored?  Lonely?  Afraid???

I do.  All the time.

All. The. Time.

But it isn't just about me.  I see people, good, strong people, step out in faith to follow something they believe to help someone else -- just to have no one respond, no support.  Seeing their failing attempts makes me hurt for them. 

Do you ever feel like no one is listening?

Pray.

Because God is listening.  You may not see the answer you want or get the answer you want.  But He is always there

Happy Birthday America

Freedom...

...it's important.  Isn't it?  Isn't it???

It won't let me embed this video, but its a good song if you want to watch it.

I Read That...

...Ray Bradbury whom just passed away made himself write at least 1000 words a day.  Good idea! Great writer, you will be missed.  My deepest respect and condolences to his family and friends.

I can see why he did this, it keeps the motivation going and it keeps you at a keyboard even if you are not writing anything real, or what you might precieve at the time to be 'real'.  Because great ideas can come from anywhere. 

Maybe I should try and do that too.  

"Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things."

--Ray Bradbury.

Ecclesiastes 5:2:

"Let thy words be few."

--I will come back to this in an entry soon, currently, I am working on letting my words be few...

Take care.

Worth Posting...

...and please understand, I post this with no 'campaigning' intentions.  I just think its really cool:

"If you elect me president, you're not going to see legalized marijuana. I'm going to fight it tooth and nail."

-Mitt Romney

Me

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Love

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley


 “You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”
― Bob Marley

Indifference

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”

-- Elie Wiesel

Bring the Rain...

So, you will notice, in the right side bar of my blog, this button:

 <a border="0" href="http://angiesmithonline.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://angiesmithonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/angie-button1.png" /></a> <br><br>

It leads to the blog of Angie Smith, and her faith and love of God is uplifting and truly inspiring.  Her story is heart-wrenching, and life changing.  Without knowing it, she has helped me in so many ways.  Her blog reached me in some of the hardest times in my life.  Visit Angie Smith at Bring the Rain.  I suspect you will be so glad you did.  Take care.

p.s... apparently the button didn't turn out in this entry, but over in the right sidebar it did. :) See you there.

I am disappointed.... [and probably can't spell]

You know, this blog was a place I go to say what is on my mind, even if no one is listening.  Even if its not always something good.  Even when I struggle with telling the people whom my frustrations are about.

You see, I am a serious writer.

I invite people two write with me because I want to share with them something I love.

Taking that into consideration, I know that writing is far more important to me than it is to them.  It is evident.  I know that getting into it.  I understand.

But, if they can't/are not able to get into it --- don't pretend you are for the sake of me.  The same goes for if you are too busy.

I get that.

What I don't get, is pretending to like it for my sake.  What i don't get, is your telling me you want to write, and you enjoy it --- and then; never doing it, or finding some reason to go offline soon as I come online.

Just tell me.

Don't drag me along.  Don't pretend you like it just for the sake of not hurting me.

I can tell.  I understand, you not wanting to hurt me.  But it hurts more that you pretend.

The story is always more wonderful by the input of others. 

This is something, I am absolutely passionate about.  And its ok if you aren't.  But don't drag me down by pretending you are.  Because I sit here day and night - waiting for you.  Holding back a story.  Wanting to just write.  I do admit I am dissapointed that no one shares that passion with me. 

“If you wake up every morning and the first thing you think about doing is singing, then you’re supposed to be a singer, girl.” -- Sister Act II

Thats how I feel about writing guys.  I want to share it with you, but please, don't pretend you like to do it just for the sake of me.  Thank you.

His Birthday...

...the first one we were apart, I actually got to see him.  The few after that, I worked up the courage to call.  The next two or tree after that, I only was able to bring myself to send a text message.  Last year, an E. Card to an account I don't think he ever checks.  Eventually, the E.Card came back to me, unread. This year, I will post it here.

I have never forgotten his birthday.  Ever.  Even if he probably thinks I have by now.  It is a day burned into my memory.  Probably tonight, he will be out celebrating somewhere.  Part of me wants to say -- without me.  Part of me misses being included in that.

But it is his birthday.  Happy Birthday Ivan.  Maybe one day you will see this. Maybe you will not.  But I never forget.

Crosswalks..

Sec. 14-300. Crosswalks. Pedestrian-control signals. Regulation of pedestrians and motor vehicles at crosswalks. (a) The traffic authority shall have power to designate, by appropriate devices or markers or by lines upon the surface of the highway, such crosswalks and intersections as, in its opinion, constitute an especial danger to pedestrians crossing the highway including, but not limited to, specially marked crosswalks in the vicinity of schools, which crosswalks shall have distinctive markings, in accordance with the regulations of the State Traffic Commission, to denote use of such crosswalks by school children; and may maintain suitable signs located at intervals along highways, particularly where there are no sidewalks, directing pedestrians to walk facing vehicular traffic.

(b) At any intersection where special pedestrian-control signals bearing the words "Walk" or "Don't Walk" are placed, pedestrians may cross the highway only as indicated by the signal. At any intersection where traffic is controlled by other traffic control signals or by police officers, pedestrians shall not cross the highway against a red or "Stop" signal and shall not cross at any place not a marked or unmarked crosswalk. A pedestrian started or starting across the highway on a "Walk" signal or on any such crosswalk on a green or "Go" signal shall have the right of way over all vehicles, including those making turns, until such pedestrian has reached the opposite curb or safety zone.

A bit more on this later, as I already had written an entire post about it, and then went on to delete it by accident. But I am very tired of people nearly running me down while I am in a crosswalk; while I am in it, legally, with the 'walk' signal flashing, either cutting through behind me or zooming as fast as they can to make thier turn just two feet from me. It is Against the Law, people. By the way, so is passing on the right. More on this later. Please, if you are someone whom does this stuff - stop. Is the three seconds it takes to wait for the person really going to make that much difference? Okay more like 30 seconds? When in fact you may accidentally kill someone? Is that 30 seconds worth a life? Off my soapbox on this, for now. More on it later. Have a nice night everyone.

Milestones

...today, is one. Ready or not -- I've entered my mid thirties. I am hoping to do better in the next few years, look for good things and happy things. Its amazing how time goes so fast. Have a nice night, everyone.

Look at the Date

Yup. February 29, 2012! A date that comes around only every 4 years.

Leap Year!

"Thirty days hath November, April, June, and September. Every other thirty-one. Except the second month alone."

--C.N. Douglas

"...to seek out new worlds..."

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It Eats Away at You:

Depression. More often than not these days people will claim to have it. And maybe they do. But sometimes I have to wonder if they know what its like to wake up each day feeling like you are standing in three feet of mud, insanely sad enough not even to make breakfast or get out of bed. You are sad, with no real reason why, to the point where you just sit and stare at nothing, wanting to do something, but your body won't function and its all you can do just to sit there. Often, you go back to bed to wait til the doing nothing time is over. Then when you get up, maybe something will have changed? You cry alot. You feel alone nearly constantly even when people are around. People tell you they are there for you but it only irritates you more because you feel like they don't really get it. Sometimes, you don't want anyone there for you. You want to be left alone. You constantly feel nervous or frightened about something, or that you are doing something wrong. You rarely smile. You know something is wrong with that and it makes it worse because you have so many things to smile about. You long for the way you used to be. You remember what you felt like before. You want that again.

But you feel empty. You feel nothing emotionally but sadness and pain. Even if you want to feel happy. You have shut down. People you love dearly pass on - you don't shed a tear. Instead you go on and its almost like if you don't have to think of it or look at it, it won't hurt. Eventually you start handling everything that way; avoiding with everything possible the things that make you uncomfortable or make you hurt. You stay inside. You don't go out. Friends want to do stuff and you might make excuses not to. You feel comfortable in your world. A week passes and you hardly notice. Then a month. Then a year and another and another. You wonder where the time goes. You've been doing this for years...

You get desperate. You tell people you think you need help. They say "ok honey, if you think so," and the matter drops. No help comes. No one thinks anything is really wrong with you. You want to love. You want to be happy. But you don't know how. You start thinking you are trying to hard. That you shouldn't try so hard. And so it goes, again and again and again.

This is a bit of what depression for me is. I have passed nearly eight years of my life like this. The good thing is, I am starting to recognize it, and am making myself smile at little victories such as coming up with a successful storyline, being able to talk to a friend, and or actually getting out and do things even when everything inside me is revolting against doing so. Then when I do them, I find out they are fun -- and that I am glad I went. It isn't easy, 98 percent of the time, I still fail. But it is an uphill battle after all. I've heard it said that God doesn't give us stuff we can't handle. I think the truth of that is -- that he doesn't give us stuff we can't handle without Him.

Have a wonderful night everyone. Take care.

..to Dream and Discover

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore.Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain.

After all, my New Years Resolution this year -- is to live. :D

I am working on a new book at last. Officially, I am ten pages in. Which is great! I've finally got past the writer's block I've stumbled into. Its based on an idea I came up with just under a month ago. We shall see what happens in it because, even in writing it, sometimes I don't even know. Talk to you all later everyone. And Happy Groundhogs day! Six more weeks of winter weather, so I've heard. Doesn't bother me a bit though really. I kind of like winter. Its a great time of year. Take care.

Time:

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Sometimes you have to wonder:

...over on my other blog (themed around Adoption) I had posted an entry about spamming my blog in the comment's section with stuff like "Nice Blog," followed by a link to get your cabinets refurbished for example. Or "I love your blog. Come buy my haircare products at -insert another spammed link here"

And so on. I pointed these out for the spam that they were and said I felt it was very rude. This was within a handful of days people, 4 days ago, maybe five tops. But anyway.

The entry below, "for Baxter" was also posted on that blog. And it was also the entry that followed the one about the spamming the comments section. Believe it or not someone did it again on my 'For Baxter' Entry. But this time they tried first to say they visited every page of my blog, and thought I was creative. Then proceeded to spam me with video conferencing links.

I mean really people. Do you have any idea who Baxter is/was to me? Or what that situation might be? But yet you just ignore my entry about this same spamming just two entries ago and do the exact same thing? Maybe I just posted about Baxter here to keep the date somewhere? And no, I don't plan on filling that part in. But then to follow a entry about spamming my blog by spamming my blog again -inserting more pretty words this time yes because you've obviously read my entry about not spamming my blog entry after just 'nice post' -- then you have a problem.

I realise that, this doesn't pertain to all of you, hardly any of you at all, nor to any of the readers -if there are any- that come to this blog. But I had to get it out in some form before -yes- I go and post this on that blog too.

For Baxter:

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January 8, 2011

One Year.

Everything changes. No one forgets. My heart goes out to you, your families and loved ones.

Rest in Peace those lost in the Tucson Shooting.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3674595221543443747

Ok All...

...get this through your heads -- the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints [the Mormons] do not practice polygamy anymore. They have not done so since 1890! That is what 122 years ago? 122 YEARS! And yet, I see statements by people with PHDs saying that we still do. Yes, I am Mormon. Please, get your facts straight first about things like this.

www.lds.org is a good place to start. Thank you.

And don't even get me started on the temple garments. MANY religions have specific clothing they wear.

And as to the 'non Christian Religon' thing? Really? "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" is written right on our buildings.

No Writing Today Either...

...and I thought there might be. I have stuff out with people everywhere, but no. No fix to the problem mentioned in the posts below this either. Am not in such a bad mood tonight. I did hear from a couple of people I write with. Maybe tomorrow.

Still haven't finished those last two episodes of Numb3rs either. lol...

Forget it.

Forget it. Forget it all.

I am tired of everyone caring about only themselves. I am tired of them making promises they don't keep. I am tired of them pretending something is important to them only because they don't want to upset me. I am tired of feeling like I really am annoying them and they are pretending not to be.

I am TIRED TIRED TIRED of people being selfish and self important. I am tired of them making stuff up. I am tired of feeling like this all the time. If you guys don't want to do it, don't. Its that simple. Its alright. I will just go on. I will do it on my own.

Someone told me once I should do something more profitable with my time. Well, maybe, you should do something with yours.

Tired...

...maybe this should be the 'complain alot' blog.

I seem to do that alot.

I blog here when I need something to do, anything to do, other than stare at a blank computer screen and want someone to talk to. I am lonely. I have someone to talk to yes, but, see the blog post below this one.

I just want to talk. I just want to write stories. I just want to to something.

But I am going to bed. Maybe tomorrow it will be different. Maybe tomarrow I will have people to write with. Maybe tomorrow.

But I am going to sleep, I feel lonely and sad. I feel like things are just not going to work. And I don't know how to say it.

January..

..and my heart is sinking. Sinking and sinking. I am asking allot of questions why and being argumentative to the one that gave me everything. But I don't understand, isn't what I wish important too? Is it right for me to feel like an object when I keep begging for help with this? Pleading, begging, for it to stop. Now I am blogging it.

January.

I do not feel the same. I never will as long as this goes on like this.