Nine Years...

...I keep track.  My brain and my heart still cannot help it.  Nine years since my world changed forever.  Nine years since caught in a collapse that I had seen coming at the time, but denied, and with all my heart and body tried to hold back.

It was a moment that would change my life forever -- and these are not just words I type.  If what happened today nine years ago did not happen: my life would be drastically different now.

I did it wrong.  I know that now.

What you say -- does matter.

And I wonder even if I did it different if it would have made a difference somehow.  Or if, by the time this day came to pass nine years ago, it was far too late to stop it.

I was younger.  I was naive. But I still believe in the things I believed in back then.  The things I believed in were not the problem.  And I have difficulty feeling those things now.  But I am stronger now too. And will not give up on me.  I will not.  I will not give up on being happy. 

It is vague for you all and I am sorry. But this is a marker for me.  Getting it in physical lasting form that says I am still here.  I survived.  Its been nine years.

I read somewhere recently, actually on the blog of Angie Smith, something she wrote in a blog post:

The roots go deeper than you think
You only see part of the page
You are still a young tree

Effectively, that is what the words she wrote said.

They stunned me in that moment.  I needed to hear them.  To see them and read them.  They go up there to me with the 'No Truer Words' Catagory.  And this year... this year I needed to hear them.  And already I've been reflecting on them alot.

Would I change what happened then if I could?

I don't know.

I have learned so much through it.  Became a different person through it.  Met many other people because of it.  But I just don't know if I would change it.  Because I sometimes miss parts of the person I was then.

I survived.  I look back on it now and read the notebooks I kept back then, now.. and my heart just breaks for the girl whom I was when I wrote that at the time.  I remember her so vividly.  And all her pain.  It is raw and real there in those pages.

But she survived.  She didn't think she would.  Never doubt the power of prayer, family, and friends.

I don't really think everyone leaves an age behind them as the next birthday hits them.

Somewhere inside me, there is still a 15 year old that hurts and feels with 15 year old feelings.  There is still a 22 year old.  There is still a 27 year old... and so on.

And each of them make us who and what we are now.  That's what I think anyway. Who would have imagined then that I would come this far?

God bless, everyone.  Goodnight.

--Debrah
04.17.2018

Happy Easter

....Happy Easter everyone. 

As a kid, I knew what Easter was about.  My parents made sure to let us know the true meaning behind Holidays like this and at the same time made it possible for us to enjoy the fun things about being a kid ...the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and so on.  We knew.  And it made it that much better.  Though I admit going to church on Easter Sunday was the last thing I wanted to do back then.  I wanted my Easter egg hunt and candy - though I did love getting to wear a really pretty dress.

But these days, this Holiday is so much more.  Means so much more.  I am truly amazed by the sacrifice that was made on a hill for me, for me and everyone ever on Earth since, before and after.  It amazes me to think that maybe while it was being made, Jesus thought of me.  He knew how much I would sin in my life and how much I would be unable to master it on my own. And he loved me enough to die for me.  Just like he did for all of you.

How Amazing is that. How loving is that?  That kind of love is just.... wow.

I want to love like that too.

Happy Easter Everyone.

Love,
Debrah.

January 5

So.. a new year.

I've been trying to write this blog for ..five days.  But couldn't really think of anything New Years to say.  So, maybe I'd try uplifting?

Already, I know that the beginning of 2013 is going to be difficult.  But I am determined to have a good year this year.  I am determined to remember the good times during the upcoming trials.

And honestly, right now, a positive entry is difficult to write.

I don't really do resolutions, as in setting a big one each year.  It's just not my thing really.  I just try and make it a good year.  I do have hopes for 2013.. but those are for another post.  I do have several coming.  Just not sure where to start.  So, I thought wishing you all a happy 2013 and actuallly writing my first post of the year was a good place for it.

Best wishes for a good year to all of you,
Debrah.

One More Time in 2012

2012.

What a year.

Honestly, not the best year.  So many changes.  Many loved ones lost.  But honestly?  A blessed year.  We received a precious baby girl in our family this year.  We learned alot about love. No, really, we learned alot about love.  I learned that ...as a body fails, spirit and strength grows ever stronger.  And not just for the survivors, for the person passing to another life as well.  I always thought I respected my elders.  I always did, but this past year, I really learned what the tone of that truly meant.  It doesn't mean yes ma'am or sir.  It doesn't mean that at all.  It means, to me, that even if someone is old or disabled or young or whatever -- they are feeling.  They are caring, deeply, beyond words.  They are loving and hurting and worth every second you can give.  They are worth that phone call.  They are worth that drive across town. 

I also learned alot about myself this year.  I want to say I struggled to change things about myself.  That was my goal.  Not a resolution, but a goal that carries until it is complete even if it is past the end of the year.  But I know, looking back at the last eight months (it wasn't set last New Year) that there are times that I could have and need to put more into obtaining that goal.

In all honesty, this has been up there on the list of 'worst years of my life' but it was also a very teaching and heartfelt year.  And that, my friends, is what I plan to take away from it, carry with me, and live and grow on.

Happiest of New Years to you and your families and friends,
From Me, and Mine,

Debrah.
 

Merry Christmas

For the Children...

Unique Date Today

Check out the date: 12.12.12.

This is a date that is unique for a couple reasons.  The triple twelves in a row, and also that it is the last time a tripled date such as 02.02.02 or 09.09.09 or 12.12.12 will happen until the start of the next century - 01.01.2101.

Pretty cool huh?  Unique date. Thought I'd mark it here. 

Have a good night everyone!